hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
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The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.
*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend