I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
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Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
KFC hitting the cannibal market
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows