“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
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Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
The human personality is made of five key elements
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
Me: I realized I’ve never made a goose happy. I’ve never made a goose sad, but I’ve also never made one happy. Today is the day I change that.
Baker: So, two loaves of bread?
Me: yes two please.
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.