Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
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why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
it be like that
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
Ladies, if he’s never gonna:
-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt youHe’s not your man, he’s tacos
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
britain’s three elite institutions