Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
You Might Also Like
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”
Do I laugh or….?
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.