I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
You Might Also Like
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.