Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
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If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly