I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
You Might Also Like
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
Happy Friday
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
me doing my best
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.