I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
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Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
Dance like you’re not the father
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
relationship goals
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
Trains are just sideway elevators.
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards