Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
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I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
heyyyy gurl, let’s put red dye in the jacuzzi and pretend we’re getting savagely devoured by piranhas (for romance)
BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
ME: PUPPERONI
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.