I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
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Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.