CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lyingCANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth
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Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
Hard not to take this personally
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT