bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road
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I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
Britain be like
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived