I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
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Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.
Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
Yes my dude
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!