HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
You Might Also Like
Me: it’s not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it’s not illegal
Cop: no, no it’s not
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
Captain’s Log:
Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?