“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”
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Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”
Trying
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
Text from my best friend: Please take your mom with you to the salvage yard when you pick up that part & introduce her as your mechanic
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”