just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
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was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”