The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
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Running your mouth is not cardio.
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
Fries, not lies.
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
Bringing home a sharpie
“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.