[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
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hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
I camp so other people don’t have to.
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?
Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years