I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
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Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:
5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.