gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
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It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
Okey dokey.
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.