*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
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Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…
🤣dope
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?
Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.
Oompa Loompa: We need a union…
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze