This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
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[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
WATSON: do you even have a proper education?
SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson
WATSON: but, like, beyond that
SHERLOCK: nah
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
I occasionally drink every single night.
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.