Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
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I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao