*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
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“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite
I got high and hid snacks from myself, this is the worst scavenger hunt ever
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.