DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
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Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
#parenting
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
Always a metermaid never a meter
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
Put the is in disheveled
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?