I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
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Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.