[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
You Might Also Like
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it