If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
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Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”