If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
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Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00