I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
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If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
Bill is short for Billiam
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
moderator: your word is “impatient”
sloth: can you use it
moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
sloth: in a
moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
sloth: oh great thank you
moderator: what the
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.