You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
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CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.
After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.