Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
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We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busyFriend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies