A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
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For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit
As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”