Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
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911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
The only equipped I am is ill.
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.