Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
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I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.