By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
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I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
Cannot stop laughing at this
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
Brother?
Hitlers gonna hitl
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*