EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
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Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??
JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶ME: Ah. Carry on.