me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
You Might Also Like
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
Narrator: they had a son born in 2001
Me: omg he must be like 10 by now that’s crazy
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
Remember folks 😂
“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.