Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
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I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
FRIEND: wanna come over?
ME: what’s your dog up to?
FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-
ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.