just left a huge legacy in there
You Might Also Like
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.