My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
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People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*