I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
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Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this