For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
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First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
Sunday
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
Favourite diary entry ever
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*