Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
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THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?
ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
Me, flirting😏
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”