Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
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I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”