ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
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The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
Its a hippotatomus
[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive