You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
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The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions