“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.
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HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring