I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
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If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
Every time my phone rings
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.